The Trouble With Love
by MaskedShipper
Summary: Love seems to be too big a word. How do you know if they mean it or not? S/R Slash


"I love you."

"Mm… Yeah. Like that. Right _there_. Right - wait. What?"

"I do. I do, Remus, I do."

"…"

"Remus?"

"…"

"Moony, I think your penis died."

"…"

"Moony? Moony? Remus? Are you… Merlin, did you pass out?"

There was silence in the bed. Sirius was definitely starting to worry. Maybe he had come off too strong. Maybe he should have whispered it gently. Maybe he should have said it _after_ the orgasm. The body beside him stirred, and he found himself looking at the other expectantly.

"Oh God, Sirius. I just had the weirdest dream." Remus chuckled and wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand. "We were having mind blowing sex, and, might I add, you were more eager than usual, and then… do you know what you told me?"

"I love you."

"Yeah! That's exactly it! How did you know?"

Sirius didn't know how long they were just staring at each other, but he made sure not to look as hurt as he felt. Remus' smile began to fade as realisation dawned upon him. "Oh, Sirius, I didn't mean – "

"It's fine." He smiled. What else could he do? It was fine. He had said it too soon, that was all. Mouth filter was going a bit wonky. It was fine. Remus couldn't be blamed for his reaction. It had been sprung on him so suddenly; it was understandable. It was fine. "It's fine." He hadn't realised the repetition, or the fact that he'd said it aloud, but it didn't matter. He was already pulling the covers over his body, not wanting to feel as self conscious as he did at that moment. Sirius Black was _never_ self-conscious.

"Really, Sirius. I thought it was a dream! I didn't mean to – "

"Really, it's okay."

There was a silence, though Sirius was sure the other was fully awake seeing as Remus pressed close against his body. Even though they were both naked and Sirius had been _quite_ keen on finishing their activities not only two minutes prior, the arousal was just gone. It had disappeared when Remus' had.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"I… love you?"

"And I love you. And James. And Peter…"

"No, I really do love you. More than that. Not like I love them."

"It's fine, Remus. It's okay."

"Sirius?"

"I'm tired, Remus. Let's just go to sleep."

"We'll talk in the morning?"

"Yeah. In the morning. G'night."

"Night."

Morning came, but they never spoke of the three words that had been spoken; they had both been awakened via a face full of water and James' laughter ringing in their ears. Peter's terrible shower-singing only added to the ruckus. So that had been that, and Sirius tried to let it go. He tried to ignore Moony's worried glances towards him, tried to reassure the other that he was fine, but an actual conversation about the night before had not taken place. Not until the day was over and they were getting ready for bed again.

Sirius pulled the blankets over his head, trying to sleep in his designated area for once. Remus, just having finished brushing his teeth, stood at the foot of the bed.

"Padfoot?"

"M'tired. You can come snuggle if you want. Not in the mood of moving."

James bounced on Sirius' bed and began shaking his shoulders dramatically. "Not in the mood of moving? We'll just have to move you, then." James shoved the other off the bed, happily taking his place.

"What was that for?" Sirius cried from his spot on the floor.

"Whatever you and Moony have tensed between each other's arses, I'd appreciate it if you took it out. So, go cuddle in your boyfriend's bed."

"What does that have to do with you taking _my_ bed? Why couldn't Remus just have changed place instead of me?"

"Because I'd rather sleep in a pre-warmed bed. Night."

Sirius stared at James. Merlin, if he wasn't like a brother to him, he might well just hex him into oblivion and back again. Remus sighed and moved to his own bed.

"Sirius, I really am sorry for yesterday."

"There's nothing to be sorry about."

"Why, what did he do?"

"Shut your trap, Wormtail! I'm trying to listen!"

Remus glanced warily at the two other boys in the dorm, then stared imploringly at Sirius. How could he ever deny those golden eyes? With a sigh, Sirius got up from the floor and crawled into Remus' bed.

"Have they made up, then?"

"Shh, Petie! Quiet!"

James wasn't the most discreet person when it came to eavesdropping. He was sitting erect on Sirius' bed, his eyes wide behind his glasses, his grin an eager one. Sirius threw a pillow at him, laughing.

"Can't we get a bit of privacy?"

"No. No, you can't."

"Prongs, let them work it out!"

"Aw, but Wormtail! I want to see what happens!"

"That's… really creepy. And perverted."

"Shut up," James cried, laughing, throwing the pillow that had been aimed for him at Peter. "That's not what I meant."

"Sometimes I doubt you like birds, mate," said Sirius, a smug look on his face.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" his friend cried indignantly.

"I mean you like to listen to me and Moony go at it."

"Ugh. No I don't. It's disgusting."

"Pfft, no it's not."

"It is so! I mean… not one of you has a breast."

"If that's what bothers you, you could always shag a fat bloke."

"Disgusting!"

Three of the Marauders were laughing, making more jibes about James' sexuality, asking things about how manly Evans was, or how long it would be before he started wearing pink, but something was off, and he was sure the other two felt it, too. Remus looked more morose than ever, not partaking in any of the fun, instead curling, not against Sirius, but against his pillow.

There was an awkwardness in the room as Sirius watched him, and he was sure that the others were watching _him_.

"Er… guys? I think I'm gonna hit the hay now."

"Yeah, okay. Me too."

"Same for me."

Sirius stared at James, and although he didn't sigh or give out any outward sign that he was troubled, his best friend seemed to understand that he wasn't completely comfortable with Remus at the moment. So it was James who flicked his wand and muttered a sound bubble around Moony's bed, and it was James who got up to shut the curtains, and so it was James who made his dilemma prominent. He wasn't sure if he was thankful for it or not.

He remained sitting for a few moments, unsure if he was supposed to cuddle with the other. It was a sensitive issue, this 'love' thing. Sirius didn't like the dreadful doubt that there might be a chance that Remus didn't take this seriously.

It was a completely irrational doubt, he knew. Remus took everything seriously. Everything from his homework to his monthly transformations to his friends. Remus was the person who would never in his life cheat on someone, or commit to something he didn't think was worthy. It was Sirius who had the one-night-stands, the flings with random girls and blokes, the tendency to cheat on occasion. (In his defence, it had only happened once, and that was because he had thought he had already broken up with the poor girl.) But with Remus, everything was different. He couldn't picture cheating on him, couldn't even picture flirting with anyone, even playfully. It would hurt himself to do so. Remus meant everything to him, had meant so much more than just a friend since his third year, and Sirius… Well, Sirius loved him. Truly loved him with all his heart and might – and he was sure that this was more than any of the other students at Hogwarts had ever felt towards another human being.

"Sirius?"

And this human being might not love him back as much as Sirius loved him. That was why his irrational doubt was so terrifying.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

His heart clenched in his chest. He was sorry. Sorry for what? Sorry for having wasted seven months of his life with him? Sorry for kissing him in ways that made his heart flutter? Sorry for making him feel like he could soar without the aid of a broom? Sorry because he could never return something as big as 'love'?

"It's fine."

"You don't even know what I'm sorry for!"

"It doesn't matter. I get it."

"No, you _don't_."

The dark haired male let his head rest against the pillow. He was so far away from the other that if he moved even slightly, he would fall off the mattress.

"I didn't give you enough time. It's fine."

"It's not fine!"

"Yes it is. Really. It's perfectly normal for you to act like this."

"Act like what?"

"Like… like you need to shield me. It's fine, Remus. I don't care that you don't love me back. It's perfectly normal for you to try and reassure me, but – "

"Will you _look_ at me?" Remus cried angrily.

Sirius took a deep breath and turned around, scooting the tiniest bit closer, only to get more comfortable. He didn't want Remus to be angry, had rarely ever seen him mad, and he wasn't sure he wanted to look.

He didn't need to. Remus had pressed his lips hard and forcefully against his own, anger making his lips bruise, and it was over before he could react. The sandy haired male pushed his forehead against his, almost painfully, his eyes screwed shut. Sirius couldn't help but realise how shallow the other's breaths were.

"I love you, Sirius."

It was Sirius' turn to get angry.

"I'm not a little kid!" he said, his voice louder than he would have liked. He watched as Remus pulled away from him, his brows furrowed together, his golden eyes confused, but Sirius couldn't care at the moment. "You don't need to pretend! You don't need to _lie_! It hurts more than if you had rejected me completely, you know? A pity kiss, a pity talk, a pity cuddle… God damn it, Remus, I don't want that!"

"I am _not_ lying!

"Oh, I'm sure," Sirius muttered sarcastically, closing his eyes and shoving his face into the pillow.

"I am not! I can't believe you'd think I'd lie about something like that!"

He refused to answer. He didn't care if this was being stubborn, didn't care if he should talk it out. He didn't want to hear this. It hurt. Remus was lying, and he was determined to make Sirius see just how far he'd go to pretend. Pretend to love, because Remus was just that good of a friend. Too good of a friend. Sirius didn't deserve him.

"Sirius, listen to me! You shocked me yesterday. I didn't have time to react, to register anything properly, to think it over!"

His chest was heaving with his shallow pants; the pillow in his mouth wasn't helping his troubled breathing, but he ignored it for the moment.

"Are you hearing me? I love you, Sirius. I swear I do."

"Just like you swear you're up to no good?"

"You know what? You're being completely stupid now! I'm trying to tell you – "

"I want you to mean it," Sirius said clearly, lifting his face to stare into the watery golden eyes of his friend. His heart gave another painful clench, but he chose to ignore that, too.

"How do you know I don't? How can you make the assumption that I don't mean it? That I don't love you?"

"Because you're only saying because I did!" Sirius yelled heatedly. "And it's not fair!"

"I mean it, Sirius. I do. I'm telling you – "

"I rushed it," he interrupted, talking more to himself than to Remus. "I ruined everything. Now… now everything's gonna be weird between us." He was looking at Remus, but he wasn't really seeing him. He was lost in his own thoughts, his epiphany leaking through his lips. "Everything is ruined because I said those terrible words."

"It's not ruined," the other whispered, his voice croaking. "It's not. I mean it, I do – "

"Nothing's gonna be the same, Remus. I'm sorry I said it to you. I'm sorry I ruined everything. I'm sorry."

"Nothing's ruined," Remus said, louder this time, seemingly desperate to assert himself. "Don't be sorry. You've done nothing bad! You haven't – "

"I'm sorry, Remus," Sirius repeated, blinking, tearing away from his terrible thoughts. His face stoic and hard, his lips formed the words he refused to understand. "I don't think we can be together anymore."

Sirius stood up from the bed and pulled open the curtains gently. He couldn't stare at his friend, his lover, his _former_ lover… couldn't bear to see the look of horror and shock on his face. No, he made his way to his bed and fell hard onto it, wanting the day to be over.

"Gerroff me! I didn't steal your cookies, you crazy duck!"

Sirius jumped away in fright, only to remember James was in his bed. He groaned and kicked the familiar post at the corner, the pain shooting up his foot welcomed. Hearing the loud bang resonate, Peter awoke with a small squeak, though Sirius didn't look at him. He didn't look at anything that wasn't his bed.

"Oh, sorry Padfoot," James said, yawning and rubbing his face. "You fixed things up with Moony, I'm guessing?" Another yawn, the newly awakened male reached for his glasses and put them on. He was smiling broadly at Sirius, but the look on his friend's face was enough to wipe it off. Then he looked elsewhere, and although Sirius wasn't sure what James had seen, he could still see James, obviously confused.

"Mate, what happened – "

"James, get out of my bed. Please." He added in the last word for good measure.

"Did you and Moony – "

Sirius groaned and turned around, blocking out any other words. He made his way to James' bed, glaring hard at the floor, before practically tearing the sheets off and climbing into it.

"Padfoot?" James called from across the room.

"Good night!" Sirius practically screamed, pulling the blankets over his head.

He didn't want this. He wanted his Moony pressed against him, wanted to sleep with his arm draped over the familiar body of his friend. He wanted to take back the words, to save them for a later day when Remus would be able to say it back and mean it. He wanted to kiss his boyfriend, wanted to stroke his hair, wanted to bask in the other's beauty.

He wanted to cry.

_&&&& Fin - _

**A/N: **Written for a new table I started, 25 Dates. The prompt was 'Breaking Up'. Hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think of it.

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the characters mentioned. I don't own the post that Sirius kicked his foot against either. Basically, I own nothing, and no profit - except that of the emotional and mental kind - is being made.


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